i refer back to this when things get heavy in the lives of people around me. God is good. God is good. Remember that. I'm thankful for this conversation, deeply so.and i get really excited and nervous
jason: yeah.
how so nervous?
me: uhmm...
well
8:28 PM i just know doing young life right ends up with you being great friends
8:29 PM and it also makes you care about them a lot
and i just remember at frontier listening to my friends lisa and amanda tell me things i never ever want to be true in their lives
and then i had to leave
and now i don't know
and i want to be there.
8:30 PM and i just know it's a lot for your heart when you experience and share things with someone else
and then you realize that they carry so much more weight than you could ever imagine
and it's really weighty and scary
8:31 PM that's why i'm nervous.
jason: Yeah.
that all makes sense.
a lot of sense.
but you know, the fact that you know the weight of it is good.
8:32 PM me: but even thinking about it sucks.
i don't want these little people to believe the things they do
or hear what things they think their parents think about them
or what boys have to say about them
8:33 PM and i don't know. i feel like once you know, you want to fix it but you can't really
and i feel stupid saying.."Well. Jesus says you're the best thing." because it doesn't seem fair against the weight.
jason: yeah.
8:34 PM me: i kind of get mad about that too.
but i think it's a trust issue.
jesus will show up and he's writing their story
but i want them to find it now, to feel it now. to really know who they are.
8:35 PM and thinking about maya and mirandah and their already extreme openness about where they are or who they're hooking up with or how many medications they're on to fix their depression
8:36 PM i'm just nervous. because it will be heavy i think.
jason: yeah.
I'm sorry I don't have much to offer except for the absolute fact that I know how you feel 100%.
8:37 PM I really really want to fix things.
and to take care of people.
me: yeah. and you can't really.
and sometimes jesus doesnt
at least not in the way that i see it
8:38 PM jason: yeah you're right, i think .
jesse is doing the spring retreat.
and we were skyping this evening about it and talking about all of the things that he wanted to say.
8:39 PM and all I could really tell him to say is that it does get better.
but now I wish I would have said "It does get better if you'll let it, but it's not going to get fixed."
8:40 PM As in, I can see how God has been fathering me over the course of my life. I didn't know it when I was 16, and I didn't really believe it in any real way until the past couple of years.
but he's actually doing something that's bigger in my life than what I can see. Not fixing it, but sort of transforming things over the course of the long haul.
8:41 PM and maybe that's because time is different for God.
8:42 PM me: ha yeah.
like we'll look back and it's just one Thing, our lives
and it's really beautiful.
but we want it to be that now.
8:43 PM but it takes the bad things to bring us here now
jason: yeah. jesse and i were talking about that too.
8:44 PM as it turns out that suffering is probably the number one way in which God fathers us into being.
me: which honestly doesn't make much sense
8:45 PM jason: yeah.
it's a paradoxial.
me: ah one of those things
jason: that sentence made no sense.
It's paradoxical.
that's what i meant.
me: hah.
8:46 PM ah. that kind of thing.
jason: haha
but you know it's this whole through Death we enter Life system that God worked out.
Instead of the other way around.
8:47 PM me: yeah
8:48 PM maybe that's the thing - we forget we come from death
like, with maya,
i don't want her to deal with these things
but really, the reality is life starts with death?
8:49 PM but some people really don't have it that bad
so i feel like it doesn't make sense
8:51 PM jason: The circumstances, in the end, are trivial. In the big picture sense. Because even the one's that don't have that bad might really have it the worst. for instance- there's more joy in the hearts of kenyan children in the slums than in those of students in selly oak.
so all of the comparisons can go out the window, i think.
8:52 PM caedmon's call you know-- we're all stillborn and dead in our trangressions.
and i think that's the thing- that God is working death into life in all of these places.
8:53 PM and.
i want to fix these kids. but really, the truth is-- I'm part of the river, the conversation-- part of the flow of God's will being worked out. Whether I really want to be or not-- or even if I don't ever know it..
8:54 PM because these kids are going to be whole in the resurrection, i think. I believe that's God's will anyway.
sorry for talking for 10 minutes straight.
8:55 PM me: gosh.
that's really peaceful
8:56 PM if i just really believed he knew what he was doing
and that he was that good
8:57 PM that he knows the sadness and hurt are worth it
i think i would hear more and see more if i wasnt so dagum set on fixing it all
8:58 PM jason: me too, dear. me too.
go ahead.
8:59 PM with your thought.
9:00 PM me: hah sorry.
i saw you were typing and then i turned to work on cookie baking and forgot
jason: haha. i stopped typed typing because i saw you were.
that doesn't make sense.
but you know what i mean.
9:01 PM me: hah yes. sort of.
did you forget too?
jason: well.
9:02 PM I was just thinking that God either has the whole thing lined up really well-- and I think I can see bits and pieces of that whole-- and that it all ends really well.
or it's nothing.
that's always my big choice.
9:03 PM and I think it's out of my fear that I feel the nothing.
but I think it's out of love that I experience the everything.
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