Two mornings ago I was getting ready, and I stopped and looked at myself in the mirror. I felt this really heavy feeling come over me and my whole skin was brimming with this sadness. I wanted to curse the day and go back to bed. But then, these words came back to me. Words that said "It is okay that you have loved. It is okay that you trusted. You have not done wrong by giving your trust to those who have not handled it with love. You did right. You shared your life and treated others well."
And more words came, words from books that said love is vulnerable. Words that said we will be hurt. And I was suddenly okay again.
There is a person who is responsible for some of these words and I almost live by them. Not only did she say these things, she believed them, she shared why she believed them...how Jesus was the same, and she lived them.
I always thought I was naturally just a girl who inclined to follow Jesus over the other options presented. Given the family and history, Jesus was always the better option a hundred times over. Therefore my thinking was I was responsible for where I am today. I mean, God is too most definitely because he's the only one who makes things grow, but I always chose to follow. chose to fight.
I've now come to realize though, so many of my words and dreams and thoughts and beliefs are intertwined with the wisdom and time and patience and grace and love and nonjudgment and faith of others.
The more I think about this, the more light is shed on this idea. I had no idea it was happening. I had no idea these people were loving me into being.
From Mrs. Melody, who invited me to come over and eat dinner with her and all the other old ladies and do Beth Moore bible studies. Who would make prayer requests last three hours long because she wouldn't stop asking questions or sharing scriptures or stop and make us pray right then and there.
For Casey freaking Legg who didn't have to meet with me once a week because she didn't sign up for it but always did. Who didn't have to wake up at 6am and drive to starbucks to go through velvet elvis or sex god or ephesians or job with me. Who listened to my super Chrish talk and let me be my self-absorbed naive high school self without ever correcting me. She asked the hard questions and always spoke truth into my life. She helped me define myself and helped me to find out what and why I believed the way I did. There were nights when I'd walk out of Books a Million a thousand pounds lighter because I needed to know there was a God who "cuts a channel for the torrents of rain, and a path for the thunderstorm, to water a desert with no one in it, to satisfy a desolate wasteland and make it sprout with grass." I didn't see it at the time, but she shared her life with me. I had no idea the things that were happening that were shaping me, but today, still, I think about those nights and those early early mornings and and all the questions and the hard things and her patience and bravery. I had no idea.
God uses people to love us into being.
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