out with the ugly.

Every few years there comes a point in my life where something becomes very very clear.

All of my sin, all of the bad wrong things I do.

And I never know what to do about them. I haven't written anything in a really long time. I haven't journaled any feelings because I didn't want to deal with them. I haven't put them in my buckets, I have not taken them to Jesus.

Well, these buckets get full and you drop them. And then you sob. And you sob and make scenes in Home Depot flower gardens and Whole Foods. And then you sob in the car with your friend. And then you sob in the car by yourself. And then you sob on the phone for an hour with your best friend. And then your brother calls and tells you he's had a bad day and your heart breaks all over again. And then you write emails. And then you don't know what else to do.

And then you drive for hours and hours and hours and try to unbury your heart.

Slowly. I hate all of this, but God made us to change. God made us beautiful and Jesus came to say we can be beautiful, and He meant it.

And I started writing today, writing to all the people I hurt. We're going on ten pages now, and that's two people. I've got two more.

And nothing else. but God says we can change. He says we have to go make amends before we go to the alter. I think. and hope. I'm so ready to learn. I didn't know I could do such damage, but there is a better way and he tells us which way it goes. I'm going to learn how to speak the truth in love.

I'm going to figure out if love is really not a scarce resource. I'm going to learn about these boundaries, boundaries with roommates, with dear dear friends, with boys I don't like, with boys I might actually like.

Mostly, I'm ready to be that woman God made me to be. I'm ready to walk through this and see what's to come. It's just dark and scary and I have no answers.

And I'm thankful. I do have friends that keep my head above water and listen to all of it and leave me train conductor books on my bed, and I think that's Jesus too.