Something happened yesterday.
I've been reading so much and talking so much and listening so much and nothing has made sense. Nothing. I keep telling my friends I don't feel anything, and who is Lauren Richardson if she doesn't feel anything? If she doesn't have anything wise to say? Well. No one, I feel. Scripture, Jesus' words, kept flowing over my heart, (so good, He is) and I read Psalm 107 at least ten times in the last few days. And I liked it, but I still felt the same, still felt like I was lost at sea, blinded by something I wasn't being, hungry and eating whatever I could find and never being filled. Until. Until yesterday under the big sky that is atlanta, ga, on the way to Trader Joes.
It's like when a person understands something in a movie, and tiny little clips from all along the way play back as one major thing, one major theme, as if the last stitch was sewn and the seamstress held up the dress, the last brush stroke was made and the Artist turned around the painting.
Oh. Hello there.
One. My dear wonderful friend Tatum. He kept telling me to choose love. That I choose the ones I love. Which, to me, doesn't seem real. I would think to myself, self, God chooses who you are tied to. You don't even have an option. Wait for the magic to happen. Wait for God to make you tie up all your old ends. Don't open you're heart to the world.
Two. Tatum also mentions how most of our decisions we must make in the dark. They have to be made this way. I think he said N.T.Wright said that.
Three. Patty Griffin. And The Head and the Heart. And a little Weepies and Sufjan's Chicago.
Four. 2 Corinthians 13:11-13
Finally brothers and sisters, farewell. Put things in order, listen to my appeal, agree with one another, live in peace; and the God of love and peace will be with you. Greet one another with a holy kiss. All the saints greet you.
The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, the love of God, and the communion of the Holy Spirit be with all of you.
Well. First, I can't explain here why I love this farewell so much, but I'm quite affectionate for it. Maybe some other time. Paul says sweetly, put things in order. So, I did. And I thought that was cool. But then there was Sarah.
Sarah texted me last week and asked me why I hadn't called her in five days. And I said I figured it was because she was with all of her other friends. But what I didn't and always fail to realize is that she likes me too. It's weird. But I just think she is happy with all of her friends, and that I'm not any different. But I realize she wants to be apart of my life as much as I'd like to be around her. And I fail to choose to believe that. But I'm choosing to believe that. I'm putting my life in order.
This is what it looks like:
Jesus. Reading. Praying. Living out of the Sabbath (without exception. it only makes sense now).
And then those friendships that are my family, my community. And that community is something I get to choose. I get to choose, people. I get to choose.
I get to choose Sarah. and Maggie. And East Atlanta Young Life leaders. And Kimmmiey and Steph. And Sarah Willing. And Nia. I'm going to make sure I choose them, secondly, right after Jesus himself. They're the people I will choose to make time for.
And then comes Young Life, or ministry.
And then will be school.
And then my job.
And then all of those other people in the world. done. This is what I am choosing.
I think we're on point seven or something now.
So. Seven. I went to accountability the other night and Nia asked me how I was feeling.
I told her my north sea and my sad things...including being a tucker team leader and being friends with people, and my furthered education. and most predominately how my heart was hurting so very much because of this whole boy thing that just happened.
I told her I didn't know how to be a grown up. How to actually make things happen. I just like to flow and float and let life happen. But then I couldn't do that anymore. Not now, not here.
And she just said, you know, sometimes you have to choose (along those lines at least.) She said, welp. With education, you should probably fight for that. Look for it, find it, do it. The same thing with all of these things. You choose something and you get on the bike and you ride.
You'd never know His mercy and grace if you didn't. How true.
But what if I choose wrong? Exactly. You have to choose.
Eight. That night I picked up Katie Ruth and we rode out to Tucker together for a late night Waffle House Young Lifey get together (I do love this young life stuff)
Instantly we stumbled upon that tied up knot that was my heart. She told me I'd been acting out of fear and wouldn't ever grow if I didn't choose the boy I happen to have a big huge crush on. If I didn't make the choice to invest in something, in him. "In fact, why the hell wouldn't you?" she said, "sounds like you absolutely love him."
"Well what if I choose wrong? "
"Well. Not choosing anything is worse than picking something and running. Lauren. You're living out of fear, not love."
"Right."
"What's holding you back?"
"If I choose, that means I don't have anything to reconcile, you know...with all of that past stuff that I invested in. Isn't that supposed to be fixed?"
And here's the kicker.
Here's something that tippped the edge stagnant water and unbuckled the river.
"Oh, Lauren. Don't you know God's bigger than some project you worked on? Don't you know He doesn't need you to fix it?"
"Right..." but I didn't get it fully. That's it though. There it went.
And then. I don't know why. I was driving to Trader Joes to get some vegan ice cream because I was gonna go have some girl time with my young life friends...that's when it made sense.
I chose to go to Mirandah's house that night.
I was a little nervous because I wasn't sure if we're "there" yet, because I mean, it was a Saturday night. Who hangs out with their young life leader on a Saturday night?
but I said hush now voices! Love would do this!
And I could choose, out of love, to go to Mirandah's.
And then I realized how free I was.
It doesn't make much sense. But I was free. Absolutely free. I don't owe anyone anything. We are free. Gosh. We are free :)
I don't have to be tied down to the past. It's sad, yeah. And I grieved it already, but I thought I'd have to keep it and restart it, but I don't.
I could choose something, someone, to love. I can choose.
Isn't that the best news?
It's a crazy crazy silly world out there, and we'll never really get this right but
He holds us loosely in His hands so we can spin and stretch in His grace.
I'm telling you. And so we can choose.
And I'm choosing Jesus Himself first.
And then my friends, my community, my family
And Tatum, if he'd have me.
And then Tucker High School.
And then this thing that is Education.
And then work.
And then play.
That's what I'm choosing.
Like Joshua said (yeah?) Choose ye this day whom you shall serve.
As for me and my family, we will serve the Lord.
All things are ours to choose. And His hand is always there no matter how far we go, even to the edges of the sea.
Praise the Lord.
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