when the words don't come easy.

Let's see.

First of all, thank goodness no one reads this (except for sarah willing, hey sarah willing :) ). I feel I have the right to write anything at all, and it doesn't have to be good. With that. here we are.

Today was a long day at work. Don't get me wrong, I love it. I really love it. Sometimes though, aside from the heat of high July in the middle of Georgia, things can really get under your skin. When your job is a monotonous job that requires a bit of heart, you can end up giving a start to someone you didn't even know you were upset with.
Slowly your skin wears to a slim nothing. Which is when you slip on a harness and climb the rock wall to be in the trees for a minute. Or take a walk to visit the giraffes. Either will do really.

I realized tonight that trinity is kind of my family. I feel really uncomfortable even saying it.
But when I was helping with parking tonight, I felt like a person again.
And when Jeff, who's last name happens to be Guy, saw me walk in late from parking, he pulled a glass out of the cupboard and made an iced coffee from some really great french press. He asked me all about things I care about...young life...etc. And he said I could bake cookies for church. Anytime. And we talked a long time about writing things. He's going to introduce me to his wife Julie and we're going to talk about painting and how it is a powerful reflection of language and culture. I can't wait. And then he finally let me go to church.

But things like that. And Kris. And Nia. I feel at home. It's weird. It's weird when something gives to you. I feel silly almost.

And here's thing two.
I'm kind of surrounded by people who use their gifts and talents everyday. And they're so freaking good at it.
My friend Dan is doing this. Him and his friends are doing it. Really doing it. He went to college, graduated, and is giving his life to something beautiful. All for the glory of God.
And there's Nia, who directs a camp for kids that don't really have homes. She's going to visit a place like city of refuge this week to learn more. And she's going to graduate school.
And Tatum. He encourages so many people. Probably everyone he meets, he brings so much wisdom and truth. He uses his gifts as a talker and writer and I think people become more of their beautiful selves because of it.
And Jeff. He's an artist. and a freaking great encourager. And his wife is this really incredible teacher.
And now my roommate Steph is getting geared up for the next year, organzing, planning, etc.

My stomach kinds of knots when I think of all of this too, if I'm being honest.

All I do is bake cookies. And paint bottles and cans until 2 every morning. And then I wake up, go to the zoo, hang out with some young life kids or friends, paint, sleep...repeat, etc.

I'm worried about it. I have this awful fear I'll never grow up.
In fact, I recently lost a really wonderful friend, I don't know what I'll be without him.
It's like I need someone to tell me the parameters. To say, "Hey Lauren, this is what you should pay attention to."

I do want to love something. I do want to be what God made me to be.

I do want to be faithful to the little piece of loaf He tells me to give to the five thousand. I do. I really really do.

Young Life is coming back real fast. I'm really nervous.

Also. I prayed tonight about love. Sometimes I worry about it. I asked God tonight, though, to take it away. I wonder if it's God given, or my distrust in God's faithfulness, all of this attention I give to "who" exactly, it is that I want to be with for the rest of my life.

I'd like to just care about bigger things. Obviously God is doing things, if I'd just stop thinking about and wondering about why or why not I should or should not like someone.
We're gonna try to lay that down and lean into this robust reality that is life.

Failure is not possible here. Grace is grace is grace is grace.

A better Love I see.