he doesn't need to devour.

tonight nia took me around her garden and told me all the names of her new plant friends. Afterwards we discussed how she could find a way to save them from the bugs.

We also made hummus with basil and ate it with carrots. And we watched videos about stuff black folk don't do.

Oye. I've been thinking.

I've been telling a few good people about my bad eating habits, and everyone says "Lauren. Don't be silly, you're not fat."

Or, "Lauren, you could use a little fattening up."


Or, "Well that's because you're becoming a grown woman."

Or, "That's ridiculous."

AndI try to protest for further discussion, but to no avail.

Going over to nia's has been good, though.

I don't want to take everything that is in sight. I don't want to buy extras for just in case, or put in too many chocolate chips or add a little more flour to make up for loss during transfer. Or have two glasses of wine when I could have one. I don't want to always double back my trail, or clear my plate. Even with morning time, I want to not drink four cups of coffee, but one long slow cup of coffee.


I want to feel hungry sometimes.

Truth is, I don't need to eat all of the time, I don't have to fill my time with snacking, with making provisions for myself.

But I do. And why? I think I'm taking care of myself. I think I can do whatever I want. I think eating out of a bag of chocolate chips will make me feel better (and it doesn't).

I ate an entire pint of ice cream in the middle of the day about a week and a half ago, for no reason. But actually, for a reason.

It's distracting maybe. If I have some activity that makes me feel better, I can push away the hurt?




Or I need to be filled. I have this wanting that always remains.


And I think if I can call it what it is, everything is a little more precious. Suddenly a chocolate chip cookie, just
one, is a gift. It's not something I'm using anymore.




I want to see the whole world this way.

My job, is a gift. It isn't something that I use to satisfy my soul, but it's something that's been given to me so I can pay for rent and learn new things and make new friends.


My friends are a gift.

I want to see people this way. As beautiful sons and daughters of God. Not made for me. Not made by me. No. And a little bit of sharing here and there from another person, that's a gift.


Sometimes I feel like this ravenous hole of a thing, but I know there is grace. And I can practice saying No. Not today. I will not eat all of the hummus today. I will not eat cookies for breakfast (most of the time...sometimes it is okay). I will not treat people as though they owe me something. The earth is the Lord's and all who are in it.


It is better to give.
It is better to trust.
It is better to invite a friend over to swing on the swings than to hide away when you are feeling funny, sometimes.
It is better to not always be in control.
It is better to love the Lord with your whole heart.


I want to be like that Rumi poem about the worm. Where he wakes up one day and doesn't need to devour. I want to love the things God has given me. I don't want to live out of need, "Already you have all you need!" says Paul i think.


It's really hard though. I don't really know how to do this. But I'd like to learn. I'd like to really be thankful.