the worst of all fridays.

"The weight of these sad times we most obey;
to speak what we feel and not what we ought to say"

As of late I have never felt anything so heavy, i think.

I know a lot of people, and I know a lot of these people live secret lives, and sometimes I hate the fact that I can tell.

I'm tired of it though. And I don't know what to do about it. I want to yell at them and expose them to their wives or family members or their girlfriends or what have you. Because I'm tired of this game.
I want to not sit in this chair and type on this keyboard because I know what it is used for when other people sit here, lonely and tired or hungry or angry.

But damn it all...
When are we going to start taking Jesus seriously?

or was it really all a joke?

Buechner said this today when I was reading:
"At the last meal he ever ate with his friends when all Hell was about to break loose, the great confidence with which he says, "Be of good cheer, I have overcome the world" (John 16:33 of course) becomes the great confidence of Charlie Chaplin as the little tramp standing there so jaunty and hopeful in his baggy pants and derby hat while the whole world he has overcome threatens to crash down on him like a pail of water balanced on the top of a door When finally they string him up...for all the wrong reasons
...And yet he says blessed is he who sees that, all appearances to the contrary notwithstanding, he is who he says he is and does what he says he does if they will only, at admittedly great cost to their pride, their common sense, their sad vision of what is and is not possible in the stormy world, let him do it. Blessed is he, in other words, who gets the joke."

Tonight I attended my first Good Friday service ever. John Kenney called us to think of all our sins and give them to Jesus and tell him we're sorry.
The first guy to walked up to the pillowed cross is one I know pretty well. I worked with him. He has a smoking habit that's pretty rough, but, he pretends he doesn't. Everytime I'd accidentally walk into work while he was getting a quick smoke break he'd hide behind a trash can (a grown man, mind you) or hide the cigg and walk quickly inside.
But, I know he smokes.
And there's more. Like every time I walk into his office he'd quickly turn off his computer screen or be really jumpy about whatever he's doing on his computer. My friend's actually caught him in the act.
But his wife is really nice. She wears more and more makeup everyday and I can't help but imagine why. She's beautiful though.
And they're a huge hit in the church. They pray with everybody who needs prayer.
And Mr. Man was the first to the cross to "repent" of his sins tonight.

And I wanted to laugh. I wanted to laugh loudly from deep within my soul. I wanted to laugh until I cried.

Maybe something is wrong with me.

I'm ready for people to start taking Jesus seriously.

Because this is just getting ridiculous. Not for necessarily my sake, but Jesus' sake. What the hell is wrong with us?

It has been finished, but nobody wants it to be finished. No one wants to be free. No one wants to believe him. They hold on to their shit as if it is salvation. Why did he waste his time?
With every piece of my being I wish he didn't.
I wish He didn't die.
I wish He never came so he could keep his life
and we would continue on living ours as we do now.

I just hate it. No one is righteous, no, not one.
But must I give up the faith that Jesus came so we could really live real life instead of fake life?
I know he died for us, but will anyone take him up on that offer? Because no. one. has.

His work here was nothing more than a joke.