It's been quite some time.
Sometimes I believe it's very much egocentric to write out the tangled mess that lies just beneath my skin. Only because much of it is self reflection and figuring out my place in God's heart and in the heart of my friends and family. Some like my out loud proccessing, and I do not understand why.
I do know I seek the company of self reflective people, because i think when they are vulnerable and honest, you learn a lot about them, about yourself, about God, and about how we are here, in this, togetgher. and sarah (the current roommate sarah) has really been changing my thinking lately on ....a lot.
When I get sick, she sits me down and says "this is how you care for everyone around you, and I've seen you say this, and now I am telling you to do the same thing "Rest. Stop talking. Stop going. The world doesn't need you today. It can wait until tomorrow."
When I get sad because I think no one likes me "Lauren. You are a beautiful person, and whether people speak poorly of you or highly of you, God freaking loves you and calls you a Lily...a Lily among thorns."
I tear up thinking about it. It's weird how you can tell so many people how and why they are beautiful , and emphatically so, but I know , currently, if I met myself I would not like myself. I am still a little unsure as to why. I'll admit, I'm afraid to look into it.
My birthday was hard, too. Because I felt like people loved me. That they drove from their homes to mine, to be around me. And I don't know why, and it too makes me cry. It's the scariest thing in the world to be loved by people. I don't know why. But for some reason it is.
Another thing that is heavy. Somehow, I have this problem where I can go deeply into the heart of another human being, and enjoy getting to know them, but not realize there are consequences. I thoroughly enjoy hearing peoples thoughts and feelings and weaving in and out of wooded paths, narrow rivers in our canoes, but I am okay to walk away afetrwards. I carry you in my heart, but I'm alright.
A lot of times, I'm met with frustrated phone calls because I "haven't called"
or I make boys think that "there was real chemistry here"
or I make people feel like "I'm too busy for little old me."
or that they've done something wrong.
My roommate, kr, thinks she has done something to upset me when I don't spend every weeknight sitting beside her on the couch asking questions and watching her t.v. shows. She's asked people what's wrong. It's that I'm doing my homework at my desk.
And I think, how do I do this so often? Because I know I could fire back, "well, you never call me" or (literally, and this is true) "I told you from the very beginning I was not interested in dating anyone...ANYONE. Because I just. can't. I can't do it." But these things don't work the way they should.
Kincey says it is the way that I talk with people. Then I picture this big eyed-mascarad girl with tight clothes on batting her eyes and laughing and smiling and giving a playful push on the shoulder. But. I don't do that. So I'm lost.
Lately I've put a restraining harness on my words. "hush, lauren, hush. Be silent. Be uninterested. Don't care. Don't wonder. Don't feel their words. Don't. Don't. Don't."
And that's alright, but. I don't really like it. It makes me feel more lonely. but this is Lent. And it's like Tommy J says, "Who are you gonna choose?? You gonna choose God?! Or are you gonna choose People?"
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