Part II.Lent.

"I have a real relationship with Jesus. And sometimes, when he watches me, he's happy. And sometimes, it hurts. It hurts his heart to watch me. To watch the things that I do and watch the things I say. When you talk about the unconditional love of God - - you kinda have to be careful when you talk about it. What you mean by that. When you say that God loves you unconditionally, that means he loves eternally, and infinitely, but it does not mean he loves us indifferently. His love is not indifferent. All love wants love back. It wouldn't be love if he didn't want love back. And sometimes God's uncondional love is sometimes conditioned by the love we give back. Like the Prodigal Son. The father loved him so much he was sad. And then when he came back, he was happy. And with the older son, he loved him so much, he was disappointed. And I...I...think about that. What if we never think about that?


"He found them. he found them because he loved them. He rose from the dead, because he loves you. And...and because he likes you. Jesus died for me because he loved me, and he rose from the dead because he likes me. I struggle to believe that. He likes me, more than I like myself. I wouldn't be with me sometimes.
 I can believe that Jesus loved the world, but....you know I can even believe he loves me, because he's jesus - that's his job, but to believe that he likes me. To think that Romans Ch 8 - if God is for us - He's for me -for me - like the me-ness of me. That I am myself.  If he is for me -he wanted me to be in the world, I wouldn't of picked it. Who can condemn you? Well I condemn myself all the time! He doesn't....he likes me! It's just...wow.
 If you had a friend who talked to you, the way you talked to yourself, you would say to them 'this is not a healthy relationship for me, i don't think i wanna be friends with you anymore.'"



Sometimes I get lost on purpose.

I just get lost, and I just get tired, and I set my bike down and cry because I can't make it.

I want to stop being in control. I want to stop being in charge. I want to rest in my Father's strong arms. Gosh. What it would feel like. Sometimes I pretend trees are God's arms, the sun His breath.

Lent is a season of slowing down, of listening, of losing.

He speaks so loudly in times of the lonely desert. Weird, huh?

Like Monster Ballads and Ezekiel -

"Ones and zeroes bleeding mesa noise
And when you're empty there's so much space for them
You turn it off but then a still small voice
Comes in blazing from some vast horizon."

Truth. Dear sweet girl, you can't hold it all.

But how many times Lord? How many times will we go over this land before I understand?

You are empty. You are alone. Say these things out loud. It's alright because I'm here. Time to take the palms off your wounds. Time to keep your eyes up. You get your food from me from now on. When I give, you'll get. When you get, you can give. Let me be your control. Let me be the one who goes first. You follow, you get lost easily, lovely one.  Put down your books, let your friends be disappointed. Do bad on your schoolwork sometimes. Miss a club. Your righteousness never came from yourself anyways. You need me. You need me.

Trust.

Trust.

Trust.

We will get there. I know the plans I have. I made some for you. Really good ones. So stop going off the trail. Stop running. Stop hiding. Stop being so talkative. Just walk with Me. Walk. Walk. Walk.

Faithfulness is a long obedience in the same direction.

There are so many weights right now.

Roots.

With Tucker and its future. "Sustainable community ministry."
The Lord is cleary bringing adults who've noticed a difference in their children.
The Lord is clearly bringing kids, amazing, unique, crazy alive kids with questions and brokeness and beauty all over them.
The Lord has clearly given AMAZING leaders.
God has been faithful to grow the home.
(Kincey and I believe this: You choose the people, God grows the Home, slowly, organically).
But - God knows I said I wasn't ready to settle down.
But - Tucker. There is so much to say. I can't talk about it without crying. So many visions, so many long distace dreams.. So many families and lights. And God has given us sight. It would be wrong to leave, it would be very wrong. We stay because he has called us. That's it.
Bedford Falls?

A boy
Who doesn't know it at all. And he is not here at the moment. I don't know what feelings are, but I do know that a prying grocer made my blush this afternoon when he asked me if I was friends with him. And when I see him all I want to do is hide. And my face gets hot and my heart beats fast and I lose every, single, word.

Sarah W. and Sarah W. and Sarah W.
And Steph and Kimmmiey and KR.
We are all at that place where it is time to get some wings.Wings that keep us in Atlanta? That's the question. I need these girls. They are my family.



Wings.


Ireland.
Music, food, farms, goats, ancientness, stories, words, people, people. New sight. Maybe I would learn something. Hospitality. What is home?

Qualitative Ethnographies where I get to be with the voiceless and enable their voices to be heart.
The marginalized. The hurt. The lonely. I want to write and share and share life with people of a different culture.

Home. I want to do a huge project on Home. I'm slowly collecting resources and sources and am gathering questions to do research. But. How? And Why is this in my heart?

Colorado.



Expectations:

"You better make something of yourself."

What if I'm bad at that? I'm a lot slower of an operator than most people. It's just the way God made me. No one really believes me, though.